Esperto-Smart Dictionary

Especial Um - Special One

2009-10-07T19:56:00.004Z

"Hi! My name is José Mourinho, and when i'm not managing a top european football club, meeting with ricotta cheese tycoons, or helping the elderly with their bicycle kick, I like to put my feet up and enjoy a bowl - or a family size cup - of my favorite cereals.

Mourinho's Especial Um, the only brand rich in wheat bran, sugar, high mourinhose corn syrup, mourinho flavoring, calcium mourinhate, calcium carboninho, salt, sodium ascorbate and ascorbic acid (mourinho C), reduced mourinhiron, niacinamide, pyridoxidinho mourochloride (vitamin B6), riboflavin, (mourinho B2), folic acid, mourinhiamin hydrochloride (mourinho B1), vitamin A palmitate, mourinho B12 and mourinho D.
If you want to grow to be a blowfish impersonator just like me, start your day with a hearty breakfast. And don't forget to eat my cereals too."

Não poder com uma gata pelo rabo - Can't take a pussy by the ass

2008-12-24T10:57:00.005Z

When Jesus was born, approximately 20 minutes past midnight on Christmas eve, there was great joy in the world. There was much rejoicing, and singing, and dancing, and all round revelrie, and for some this was a time for change, because before Jesus, they had nothing but Romans and Jews fighting all the time, which was a little like watching professional wrestling: fun at the beginning, but not so much once you realise it's fake.

Anyway, all this fun started when the three wise men arrived and promptly said: "Jesus Fucking Christ! We finally made it! Here kiddo, we brought these gifts for you. You've got your gold so you can buy stuff, a pound of Mexican weed (don't smoke it all in one go), and some wood (WTF! Who brought wood for a carpenter's son???). Now, be a nice little kid, go to sleep and we'll just find our way to the kitchen and fix ourselves some sandwiches." Which they did, practically emptying Joe and Mary's refrigerator in a matter of seconds.

In different circumstances, Joe would have freaked out about this, but as it turns out there was something else on his mind. Joe finally had proof that the kid wasn't his son. He was a little suspicious at first, especially since he'd never had sex with Mary, but when he tried to ask her about it, she always started talking about an angel, and a ghost, or a dove, or whatever, and he had always given up, because the pregnancy was obviously making her delirious. But now, that the kid was there, blond, pale skinned and blue-eyed, Joe was pretty certain it wasn't his own flesh and blood.

Mary was also aware that her game was up, and that she wasn't going to be able to fool Joe anymore. She reckoned her only option was to come clean. She told Joe, that one day, a week after they'd been married, when he was away delivering a table and a set of chairs, a tall, blonde guy, with wings on his back and a glowing thing around his head, had shown up at the doorstep, and sweet-talked her into carrying God's baby. She didn't want to do it at first, but the fellow was really convincing. He promised to pay for all the healthcare expenses, and even threw in 2,000 bucks for her trouble.

Joe was a little upset, but didn't want to seem unkind or spiteful towards a woman who had just given birth. Unfortunately, he was also freaking horny, because he had married a really hot chick and never had the chance to bang her, because she got pregnant, she was nauseous, and mostly delirious, so all he could muster was: "So, does this mean we can fuck now?" Mary was a little surprised by his reaction, but she realised that it could have been a lot worse. So she took him to the kitchen and gave him a blowjob. And that's what got it all started. The wise men, who were coming back to the kitchen for chips and beer, caught Mary smoking Joe's cigar, and decided to stick around to watch the show. Later, when Mary's twin sisters showed up to see the baby, the whole thing turned into a full-blown (pun intended) porn-movie orgy.

Which would have been fine, if one of the wise men hadn't smoked some of baby Jesus' weed. Now, that was some powerful shit! Two tokes and he was flying high above the stratosphere. He was so baked, and so horny, that he grabbed a cat, and took it to Jesus' room so he could have some privacy. Just as he was getting ready, a thunderous voice came from Jesus' crib, and it said: "You can fuck my momma, but you can't take a pussy by the ass. That's where I draw the line! Now one of you bitches better come here and change my diaper, before I bring on another deluge."

Thus spoke the Lord, and thus ended the fun.

Dia da Valentina - Valentine's Day

2008-02-07T16:36:00.000Z

In February 2005, portuguese prog-rock pioneer Armando Gama proposed a new national holiday to be celebrated on the 14th day of the month, in which husbands would treat their wives to a tofu dinner instead of the traditional "flowers and candy". This date marked the anniversary of his marriage to TV icon Valentina, 20 years and 130 pounds before.

Chamada da Selvajaria - Call of the Wild

2007-10-31T15:55:00.000Z

Code name used for the telephone calls intercepted by the Investigation Department of the Park Rangers, called to intervene in any cases that involve lions, panthers, eagles, dragons and other beasts of the same sort.

Karalhoke - Dickaoke

2007-09-13T09:53:00.000Z

A brand new variation of the classic karaoke party, now with male strippers, who, after having taken their clothes off, stand on stage, and request the presence of the most daring (female) members of the audience to «step up and sing on the microphone».

Linha do murro - Punchline

2007-06-27T18:56:00.000Z

Bob Hope – the famous american actor and comedian – is cited as one of the creators of the comic punchline, for having sabotaged several breadlines and soup kitchens in the U.S. during the Great Depression.

Preto & Andar - Black & Decker

2007-01-23T18:42:00.000Z

Piercing device that, according to popular belief, has a big drill, and that, as the name indicates, is used to clear the deck.

Imagem cuspida - Spitting image

2007-01-22T20:54:00.000Z

Referring to the ancient custom of touching, kissing and licking the relics and images of the Saints. With progress and the constant acceleration of the daily rhythm, the believers didn't have time to go to church and smear in reverence, and introduced throwing spittle devotedly towards the images, in some sort of salivary game of quoits. Since those days, the sextons have been covering their bodies with a large oilcloth in order to protect themselves from the acid effect of the more catholic spit.

Ficção de Polpa - Pulp Fiction

2007-01-22T20:47:00.001Z

A very suspiciously looking juice, made out of concentrate.

Música vacas e árvores - Cow'n'tree music

2007-01-22T20:21:00.000Z

Music of North-American origin, that runs upon Nature themes and that can be summed up in the following way: cows and trees sang by oxes and stumps. This expression still causes some confusion in Europe, considering the homophony of "cow'n'tree" and "country", and that alone explains the success of some of the Old World's cow'n'tree stars.

Batatas fritas - French fries

2007-01-22T20:13:00.000Z

The proof that the French and potatoes are the same thing, although there are still some that refuse to eat them (the potatoes). Their embarassment is such that they call the potatoes "the apples of the earth".

Comédia Levanta-te - Stand-up Comedy

2006-08-30T14:52:00.000Z

Vertical comedy for the horizontally ridiculous.

Cozinhar algo para cima - To cook something up

2006-08-29T15:12:00.000Z

1. To prepare food according to the new positive trends of English Cuisine as announced by Jamie Oliver.

2. The culinary concoctions that "rise to one's head".

2006-07-11T23:55:00.000Z

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